HASH TRASH Vol 12, #313, 04 June 2000

The HArSH Critique by Barclay 'Fish' Miller

Continuing my mission to objectively, without bias and completely open mindedly, report to you on what a cock up the last Hash was, I would first like to make a few observations on the Hash before Last.

I wasn't there.

Let me tell you why.

I had a tip-off from Wendy in the Hash Trash, that Keith was to be the Hare.

I didn't really fancy a morning of being lacerated by razor sharp foliage slashing at my face, being drenched in torrents of flying sweat, and being bitten all over by horrendously ugly forms of wildlife that have never previously been seen, far less identified, by modern science.

And that's just Keith's moustache - God knows what the Hash was like!

The best thing I can say about the last Hash, is that I learned a lot about Afzal that day.

For instance, I learned that he a) is very insecure, and can't stand criticism, no matter how objective, unbiased and open minded it is, and b) is prepared to go as far as killing me by using Big Dave 'Casey Jones' Colbert as his hitman, merely to avoid the possibility of being criticised in the Hash Trash.

It's like this.

Afzal, just like everyone else, knows that I am a responsible Hasher who cares deeply about his fellow man. He knows that as a result of this deeply caring attitude, I always carefully position myself at the tail end of the Hash in order to look after the stragglers, tend to the wounded and have a fag without anyone seeing me. In so doing of course, I have to selflessly forego the pleasure of sprinting around the Mauritian countryside like a pratt.

Big Dave Colbert, on the other hand, is the complete antithesis of what a responsible Hasher should be. Big Dave Colbert is one of those people who, with a complete and uncaring disregard for the stragglers, positions himself at the front of the pack and pounds around Mauritius like an express train.

Dave and I don't see much of each other at the Hash.

But Afzal saw his opportunity. Early on Sunday morning, while we were all still tucked up in bed nursing our hangovers after a Saturday night of drunken debauchery, Afzal was up and about, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and wandering aimlessly around Mauritius, throwing handfuls of flour to the rather brisk wind (and probably chanting "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not as he went), and giggling like a schoolgirl at the pretty patterns it made as it landed on top of the cane.

But as he meandered aimlessly to and fro, a cunning plan slowly crystallised in his mind - and I didn't discover it until I felt the earth shake.

"There's only 3 things that can make the earth shake like that.", I thought, as I followed the pack off into the wilderness, ".an Earthquake of at least 7.2 on the Richter, Kevin Murray opening a can of Phoenix by using yet another clever South African trick he learned in the bush, oror..", the thought made my knees turn to jelly, "Big Dave Colbert at the FRONT of the Hash!!"

I jerked my head up in terror, and there he was! Coming TOWARDS me like the Orient Express! Wall to wall Colbert!

Clever back check, Afzal! Nice try!

But fear beats cunning any day! "F*** the stragglers" I remember thinking, "...they shouldn't be slowing everybody down anyway - I'm outta here!",  .and back down the trail I flew, Casey Jones and his sickeningly super-fit band of cronies pounding along menacingly at my heels, but falling farther and farther behind

But Afzal is a clever guy. He had a backup plan to stay out of the Hash Trash. But you didn't fool me, all you lot who were going around afterwards smiling and saying what a great Hash it was. All that false applause and praise for Afzal and his accomplices Bob and Jackie.!  How much did you pay 'em, Afzal? Come on.how much? Eh? Eh? How much.?

P.S. Your rendezvous point was rubbish. And your hat is strange..

First Timers
A big welcome to Guy Maurel; Judy & Huseyin; another Scottish Jimmy; and Maureen Masson.  See you all at the next one!

Second Timers
Coming back for their Down Downs were Matt 'Free Willy'; Mauricette 'Greensleaves; 'Souffle' and Brian 'Homo Erectus'.

Childrens Award
Please bring the green fella back Suzi.

Smelly Blue T'Shirt
Smelling like something the dog buried a month ago and since dug up, the much sought after Smelly Blue was just too smelly to make the recipient Anand 'Pink Panther' wear it.  See, Supreme Cupid can be a caring kind of guy.  'Pink Panther' has promised to provide a new Smelly Blue at the next Hash.

Religious Advisor
Love and romance was the theme but our newly married Hashers Jhotee and Chris did not make it to the Hash.  Congratulations to you both from all of us!

Games Master
Our G.M. was in fine form with a dubious game involving women kneeling, cucumbers and men getting nervous.   

Special Down Downs
There is always one isn't there but this one should know better.  Etienne 'Clyde or Bonnie' committed the grave sin of wearing new shoes - he was let off lightly though and allowed to pick which shoe he would drink his D.D. from.  Be warned if you are ever tempted to wear new shoes - we are always watching.

Tusia 'Polka' for locking her keys in the car.

The three Hares, Afzal, Jackie and Bob - just for being the Hares.

Hash Food
I think we all had seconds (not just Anand) of all the great food prepared by Peter and Nam Sook - thank you very much!

Next Hash
#314, Camping Hash Weekend, from midday Saturday, 17 June.  Hash run will be as per usual on the Sunday.  Those camping will need to bring all their food and drink except for the Hash day lunch.  Don't worry, you will be camped next to a shop that sells beer!
Hare:  Supreme Cupid
Directions:  
From Port Louis take the highway to the North.  After the stadium, the third roundabout marked:  Fond du Sac, Grand Bay, Goodlands and Cottage - take Goodlands turnoff.  Carry on till you get to a T-Junction:  'Right Goodlands, Left Cap Malheureaux'.  Go left at this junction!  +-300 yards further - right turn to Cap Malheureaux - turn here!   Carry on till you get to the second T-Junction marked 'Left Cap Malheureux, Right Grand Gaube' - turn right here!  Follow the road past the Basing Rise Supermarket on right and a little further on there is a bay on the left.  If you are here - congrats!  You're almost there!  +-300 yards further, there is a dirt road on the left hand side - it will be marked with a Hash sign!  Turn here!  Carry on up this dirt road, following the Hash signs all the way to the small public beach.  Meeting after 1200 (midday), Saturday 17 June 2000.  Hope to see you all there!

Hare Line
#315, 02 July - Alan Oliphant and Hans Van Lit
#316, 16 July - volunteers needed

Food Line
#314, 18 June - Brigitte Murray
#315, 02 July - Jan & Adrian Rhodes
#316, 16 July - volunteers needed

Extras
Dave Colbert's long suffering secretary
donates her time and Dave's money each fortnight to photocopy, fold and post the Trash to those Luddites on the snail mail list who don't have Email.  Dave will be away for the next two Hashes - is there anyone else out there who has free access to a photocopy machine who can do this mammoth deed for us?  Please contact Edit Hare.  Also, anyone on the Snail Mail list who now has access to Email, please let Edit Hare know so your name can be removed from the list.

Get your pie order to Brigitte Murray in time for delivery at the next Hash - email to kmurray@intnet.mu

Walking Group  Sunday, 11 June, meet at 1000 hrs at Hans Van Lit's house, 47 Marcelle L'Etang Street, Mare Gravier, Beau Bassin.  Phone 2551092.

Hash Humour
"Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their cheque book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.

The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.  " Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that  you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,  'comfortable'?"   The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."




HASH MISH-MANAGEMENT
Supreme Beings
Blob Latimer (6963815) & Kevin Murray (7210576)
Trailmaster:  Lord Russell
Cellarmaster:  John & Julie
Hash Horn:  Tony 'Barnacle Bill' Ward
Religious Adv/Sex Councilor:  Leslie Nimmo
Barbecue Bearer:  Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Ice Maiden:  Peter Attig
Ha$h Ca$h:  Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Drinks for Wimps 'n Kids:  John & Julie
Gamesmaster:  Alan 'Knit' Renton
Web Meister:  Alan Oliphant
Website:  http://www.mhash.com
Edit Hare:  Wendy Austin (6257399)  auswin@intnet.mu