HASH TRASH Vol 12, #313, 04 June
The HArSH Critique by Barclay 'Fish' Miller
Continuing my mission to objectively, without bias and completely open mindedly,
report to you on what a cock up the last Hash was, I would first like to make a
few observations on the Hash before Last.
I wasn't there.
Let me tell you why.
I had a tip-off from Wendy in the Hash Trash, that Keith was to be the Hare.
I didn't really fancy a morning of being lacerated by razor sharp foliage
slashing at my face, being drenched in torrents of flying sweat, and being
bitten all over by horrendously ugly forms of wildlife that have never
previously been seen, far less identified, by modern science.
And that's just Keith's moustache - God knows what the Hash was like!
The best thing I can say about the last Hash, is that I learned a lot about
Afzal that day.
For instance, I learned that he a) is very insecure, and can't stand criticism,
no matter how objective, unbiased and open minded it is, and b) is prepared to
go as far as killing me by using Big Dave 'Casey Jones' Colbert as his hitman,
merely to avoid the possibility of being criticised in the Hash Trash.
It's like this.
Afzal, just like everyone else, knows that I am a responsible Hasher who cares
deeply about his fellow man. He knows that as a result of this deeply caring
attitude, I always carefully position myself at the tail end of the Hash in
order to look after the stragglers, tend to the wounded and have a fag without
anyone seeing me. In so doing of course, I have to selflessly forego the
pleasure of sprinting around the Mauritian countryside like a pratt.
Big Dave Colbert, on the other hand, is the complete antithesis of what a
responsible Hasher should be. Big Dave Colbert is one of those people who, with
a complete and uncaring disregard for the stragglers, positions himself at the
front of the pack and pounds around Mauritius like an express train.
Dave and I don't see much of each other at the Hash.
But Afzal saw his opportunity. Early on Sunday morning, while we were all still
tucked up in bed nursing our hangovers after a Saturday night of drunken
debauchery, Afzal was up and about, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and wandering
aimlessly around Mauritius, throwing handfuls of flour to the rather brisk wind
(and probably chanting "She Loves Me, She Loves Me NotŠŠ as he went), and
giggling like a schoolgirl at the pretty patterns it made as it landed on top of
But as he meandered aimlessly to and fro, a cunning plan slowly crystallised in
his mind - and I didn't discover it until I felt the earth shake.
"There's only 3 things that can make the earth shake like thatŠ.", I
thought, as I followed the pack off into the wilderness, "Š.an Earthquake
of at least 7.2 on the Richter, Kevin Murray opening a can of Phoenix by using
yet another clever South African trick he learned in the bush, orŠorŠ..",
the thought made my knees turn to jelly, "ŠŠBig Dave Colbert at the FRONT
of the HashŠŠŠ!!"
I jerked my head up in terror, and there he was! Coming TOWARDS me like the
Orient Express! Wall to wall Colbert!
Clever back check, Afzal! Nice try!
But fear beats cunning any day! "F*** the stragglersŠ" I remember
thinking, "...they shouldn't be slowing everybody down anyway - I'm outta
here!", Š.and back down the trail I flew, Casey Jones and his
sickeningly super-fit band of cronies pounding along menacingly at my heels, but
falling farther and farther behindŠŠ
But Afzal is a clever guy. He had a backup plan to stay out of the Hash Trash.
But you didn't fool me, all you lot who were going around afterwards smiling and
saying what a great Hash it was. All that false applause and praise for Afzal
and his accomplices Bob and JackieŠŠ.! How much did you pay 'em, Afzal?
Come onŠ.how much? Eh? Eh? How muchŠŠŠŠ.?
P.S. Your rendezvous point was rubbish. And your hat is strangeŠŠŠŠ..
A big welcome to Guy Maurel; Judy & Huseyin; another Scottish Jimmy;
and Maureen Masson. See you all at the next one!
Coming back for their Down Downs were Matt 'Free Willy'; Mauricette 'Greensleaves;
'Souffle' and Brian 'Homo Erectus'.
Please bring the green fella back Suzi.
Smelly Blue T'Shirt
Smelling like something the dog buried a month ago and since dug up, the
much sought after Smelly Blue was just too smelly to make the recipient Anand
'Pink Panther' wear it. See, Supreme Cupid can be a caring kind of guy.
'Pink Panther' has promised to provide a new Smelly Blue at the next Hash.
Love and romance was the theme but our newly married Hashers Jhotee and
Chris did not make it to the Hash. Congratulations to you both from all of
Our G.M. was in fine form with a dubious game involving women kneeling,
cucumbers and men getting nervous.
Special Down Downs
There is always one isn't there but this one should know better. Etienne
'Clyde or Bonnie' committed the grave sin of wearing new shoes - he was let off
lightly though and allowed to pick which shoe he would drink his D.D. from.
Be warned if you are ever tempted to wear new shoes - we are always
Tusia 'Polka' for locking her keys in the car.
The three Hares, Afzal, Jackie and Bob - just for being the Hares.
I think we all had seconds (not just Anand) of all the great food
prepared by Peter and Nam Sook - thank you very much!
#314, Camping Hash Weekend, from midday Saturday, 17 June. Hash
run will be as per usual on the Sunday. Those camping will need to bring
all their food and drink except for the Hash day lunch. Don't worry, you
will be camped next to a shop that sells beer!
Hare: Supreme Cupid
Directions: From Port Louis take the highway to the North. After
the stadium, the third roundabout marked: Fond du Sac, Grand Bay,
Goodlands and Cottage - take Goodlands turnoff. Carry on till you get to a
T-Junction: 'Right Goodlands, Left Cap Malheureaux'. Go left at this
junction! +-300 yards further - right turn to Cap Malheureaux - turn here!
Carry on till you get to the second T-Junction marked 'Left Cap
Malheureux, Right Grand Gaube' - turn right here! Follow the road past the
Basing Rise Supermarket on right and a little further on there is a bay on the
left. If you are here - congrats! You're almost there! +-300
yards further, there is a dirt road on the left hand side - it will be marked
with a Hash sign! Turn here! Carry on up this dirt road, following
the Hash signs all the way to the small public beach. Meeting after 1200
(midday), Saturday 17 June 2000. Hope to see you all there!
#315, 02 July - Alan Oliphant and Hans Van Lit
#316, 16 July - volunteers needed
#314, 18 June - Brigitte Murray
#315, 02 July - Jan & Adrian Rhodes
#316, 16 July - volunteers needed
Dave Colbert's long suffering secretary donates her time and Dave's
money each fortnight to photocopy, fold and post the Trash to those Luddites on
the snail mail list who don't have Email. Dave will be away for the next
two Hashes - is there anyone else out there who has free access to a photocopy
machine who can do this mammoth deed for us? Please contact Edit Hare.
Also, anyone on the Snail Mail list who now has access to Email, please
let Edit Hare know so your name can be removed from the list.
Get your pie order to Brigitte Murray in time for delivery at the
next Hash - email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Walking Group Sunday, 11 June, meet at 1000 hrs at
Hans Van Lit's house, 47 Marcelle L'Etang Street, Mare Gravier, Beau Bassin.
"Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order
to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances
their cheque book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch
where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive
out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does
want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she
drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word. " Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After
thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it
Blob Latimer (6963815) & Kevin Murray (7210576)
Trailmaster: Lord Russell
Cellarmaster: John & Julie
Hash Horn: Tony 'Barnacle Bill' Ward
Religious Adv/Sex Councilor: Leslie Nimmo
Barbecue Bearer: Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Ice Maiden: Peter Attig
Ha$h Ca$h: Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Drinks for Wimps 'n Kids: John & Julie
Gamesmaster: Alan 'Knit' Renton
Web Meister: Alan Oliphant
Edit Hare: Wendy Austin (6257399) email@example.com