HASH TRASH Vol 12 #316,
16 July 2000
The HArSH Critique By Barclay
The Massacre of Black River Gorge.
In order to clear up the confusion, let's get one thing straight
before we discuss the strange case of Sylvia's boots.
I have never set a Hash. I have never bounced cheerfully out of bed before
sunrise on a Sunday morning, in order to lay a beautiful trail of well placed
dollops of flour for a band of intrepid Hashers to follow along a well
thought-out trail, through beautiful Mauritian countryside. (Neither,
incidentally, have Leslie and Chris).
It is this sole qualification that makes me uniquely qualified to tell everybody
else how bad they are at it.
I was actually looking forward to Sunday's Hash. Well, Leslie IS the Religious
and Sex Counsellor, isn't he? And Chris likes the occasional beer to put
back all those calories that he keeps losing on the Hash, doesn't he?
"Lovely stuff", I thought, (and I wasn't the only one), "We'll
probably all just dive into the nearest sugar cane field, have a bit of
'hands-on' sex 'counselling', then back to the start line for a few beers."
Not a bad way to spend a Sunday morning. Is it?
First of all, there was no sugar! None! Not even the occasional discarded sachet
of 'Silver Spoon' granulated. Come on guys! If we're to be taken seriously
on the world stage, you need to find some sugar cane for us to Hash through.
Cane Hashing not only needs to be done, it needs to be seen to be done!
But it gets worse, for Chris is on a serious diet, and Leslie's mind was not on
his duties as sex counsellor that day. Instead, he obviously decided that
Religion is more important than Sex, (sick, or what?), and took advantage of the
nearby mountain to get us all nearer to God.
So, as usual, and with a sigh of weary resignation, up the mountain it was.
And then down the mountain again, 'cos it was the wrong mountain. Then up the
right mountain. Then further up the right mountain. Then further and further up
the mountain. Tortured limbs screaming in agony, Hashers gasping for breath,
clutching at their throats, pleading for water and dying in their millions.
But, apart from my blood pressure on a bad day at the office, what goes up must
come down, but not, of course, the easy way. Oh no. For Leslie and Chris hadn't
finished with us yet. I think they're still fishing the dead bodies out of the
river. And you should see Brigitte's bruise! In fact, you probably have already
- because everybody else has!
When the book is written, it'll be called "The Massacre of Black River
Gorge." (Catchy, that, isn't it?)
But it was worth it 'cos, the view was very nice from the top.
But the best part, the VERY best part, the part that made it all worth while,
was Sylvia's Boots. For amidst all the heaving, sweating, panting bodies, one
thing stood out as a shining example of just how stupid Hasher's can be.
Two things actually, one left foot and one right foot. Yes - Sylvia's boots.
With Sylvia standing proudly inside them. Nice, long waterproof boots they were
- just the job for a wet Hash.
Not. Next time, Sylvia, find longer boots - or shallower water! Heh
Ratings for the Massacre of Black River Gorge:
Chances of finding the Rendezvous point without Satellite Navigation, or a
native scout: ****
Chances of your skeleton being found in 10 years time in the middle of a cane
field: (no stars)
Chances of catching an unidentifiable disease from the rubbish you Hashed over:
And new criteria added this week:
Chances of drowning on a mountain top:
Chances of having to be carried home on Tony Ward's boy scout stretcher:
A big welcome to - Robert and Annette who turned up from Germany
- just passing through to forget the Euro 2K football blues. Karine who is
studying in Reunion and joined us whilst taking a quick break. Gregg
doing a few months porridge with the British High Commission here and Pete
who is helping him out. Kim Lambrechts who is the Executive Chef at the
Hilton, so is expected to be a very popular man at the Hash (foodline???).
Sawai from Nairobi and here on business and certainly didn't
expect to have this much fun in Mauritius! See you all at the next one!!
Great to see all these Second Timers - Fireman Andy was
christened "Hoppo". Stand-in Edit Hare Shelley has no idea why
but thinks perhaps it is a 'man thing' so there is no explaining that.
"Jailbait" was very confused by her Hash name, but
maintained that all her bits were "old". "Lazy Layer"
almost got the name she requested (that can't be right!), something about
sticking to the back way and never going wrong, said she.
The Smelly Blue was returned by Pat Knox and passed on to Sylvia
for - wait for this - getting a piggy back across the ford to keep her new shoes
clean and dry. She and her carrier were both pilloried for this heinous
crime, but Sylvia won the Smelly Blue.
From Susie to Andrew - don't forget to put your name on the green
Religious Advisor/Sex Councillor
The RA said a word Stand In Edit Hare thought was not allowed on
the Mauritius Hash - tits! Seems Jimmy is on holiday for such a long time
now, rumour has it he is in Rehab.
Special Down Downs & Stories
* Hare Chris and Leslie received the GM's blessing
and praise was heaped upon them by the shovel-load for setting the flattest,
driest Hash since the last one. Good
who was having a really bad day, found out it could get worse when her new shoes
were spotted by all and sundry (See 'Brigitte's Blooper' for full
* Yves Robert for sneaking his lunch early and hiding behind
his car to eat.
* 1st timer, Pete, entertained us with a tall story and was
christened "duckie duck" for his efforts.
Visualise this! Sitting down at 7:00am with your first
morning cuppa coffee, on an average weekday morning, when suddenly you hear what
sounds like a horse outside. You look out the window to discover a
madwoman running around your garden in pyjama's (?) and black high heels (?),
with a pair of rather worn out, chewed up sneakers in hand, which are aimed at a
black dog, which she is attempting to chase! Bit difficult, eh?
Well, it's not so difficult, when you discover that your puppy had decided to
make a cordon bleu meal out of your Hash shoes during the night. What
makes it worse is when you've just thrown out the previous pair of 'crocodile'
Hash shoes a week earlier, so therefore don't have a 'back-up' pair to wear to
the next Hash in three days time! How the hell do you go out and buy a new
pair and have them 'worn in' to look old and used in two days? I need
Unfortunately, this incident is not a 'closed book' yet! No. 1 - It wasn't
my garden I was running around in - it was my neighbours! No. 2 - I'm still
trying to explain why I was wearing high heels with my pyjama's. The
explanation that it was the only pair lying around downstairs at the time I
bolted out the door doesn't seem to be going down too well - even by their 10
and 11 year old daughters! What do they know!! No. 3 - Please, no more
requests about what pyjama's I was wearing! No. 4 - The above-mentioned incident
has absolutely nothing to do with my 'conversation-stopper' at MUGS last
Tuesday night! Enough said! ON! ON!...... Brigitte 'Party Animal'
Hash food today was courtesy of Jan and Adrian Rhodes, and
was delicious and plentiful. Many Thanks!
#317, 30 July - Hares: Jacques and Bob
Directions: Hash will be on Savannah Sugar Estate at the bungalow
situated at Savinia near the Souffleur . To get there one must take the road from
Plaine Magnien towards Riviere des Anguilles (or vice-versa ) , the estate is
in the village of L'Escalier. Follow the road signs to the "Souffleur"
and follow Hash signs .
#318, 13 August - Volunteers needed!
#319, 27 August - Volunteers needed!
#317, 30 July - Rosemarie and Geeta
#318, 13 August - Brigitte did you volunteer or was that another Blooper?
#319, 27 August - Volunteers needed!
Thank you to Acting Stand-in Edit Hare Shelley for scribing. Thank
you to John Wilcock who has very kindly offered to take on the role of Web Meister
when Alan returns to bonny Scotland.
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Blob Latimer (6963815) & Kevin Murray (7210576)
Trailmaster: Lord Russell
Cellarmaster: John & Julie
Hash Horn: Tony 'Barnacle Bill' Ward
Religious Adv/Sex Councilor: Leslie Nimmo
Barbecue Bearer: Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Ice Maiden: Peter Attig
Ha$h Ca$h: Dave 'Shorty' Colbert
Drinks for Wimps 'n Kids: Lord & Lady Russell
Hash Market: Anne & Alan Renton
Gamesmaster: Alan 'Knit' Renton
Web Meister: Alan Oliphant
Edit Hare: Wendy Austin (6257399) firstname.lastname@example.org