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VENUE: Parc aux Cerfs

HARES: Jean Paul

A RAMBLE WITH THE RABBLE

The keepers of the meteorological flame smiled benevolently on this Hash Sunday & graciously bequeathed a delightfully sun-kissed morning for the enduringly faithful to congregate at the Parc Aux Cerfs for another episode of casual botanical exploration. The captivating honeydew dawn proved too much of a temptation for the Scribe to overlook the opportunity of unchaining his miniature Penny Farthing for the testing uphill route from the principality of Beau Bassinl. At times he felt a lot like that esteemed Carthaginian, Hannibal dragging his elephants along the unforgiving Alpine slopes…but it was with an enormous sense of accomplishment that the Scribe eventually reached the destination - the ligne droite finale from the fire station appeared to be significantly longer than the 2 kilometres as brazenly indicated by the directions posted on the website. The Hash sign pointing to Park Aux Cerfs was indeed a welcome relief although the Scribe became momentarily bewildered when he was aurally submerged by a cacophony of furious, unhinged dog-shaped animals howling like they were the dreaded Hounds of the Baskerville (which caused the Scribe to muse that it should be renamed Parc Aux Chiens). Hopelessly incarcerated in their private cages, it seemed that the agitated K9’s sensed that they were about to be dogmarched to the vivisectionists to undergo some surgical experiment that had the purpose of advancing medical science. The pungent aroma of rectal discharge in the vicinity of the cages seemed to add flavor to this suggestion.

The Scribe did have the intention of paying closer attention to the more aesthetically pleasing nuances of the trail so that he could report on Mother Nature’s natural beauty in the Trash but he might as well have been blindfolded because anything that may have been worth noting proved elusive to his feeble powers of observation. However, judging by the unanimous appreciation shown by the assembled contingent, it is virtually certain that it was a high quality multi-topographical trail masterfully set by ex MCB banker, Jean Paul, ably aided & abetted by the GM himself. At one point, the Scribe did recall that the path was strewn with anemic brown-tinted leaves which gave the scene the ambience of a British autumnal morning (apart from the temperature of course).

The roll call of first timers who shared in the splendour of our community spirit was –

1)Adrian – who I believe was brought by Gregory (if my unintelligible notes are correct)
2)Annik – a resident of Quatre Bornes invited by Nadine
3)Alexander – hailing from the Eternal city of Chebel, was invited by Juliette

Our second timers, who bravely ventured where even the angels fear tread, were duly indoctrinated into the Hash brotherhood by way of the customary liquor reward.

Our reverential saviour of civilization (i.e. the R.A.) took to the stage with a tale of a bachelor Hasher who had trouble choosing a wife from 3 visually appealing candidates &, to assist in the selection process, he gave each one a donation of Rp 50,000 to see what they did with money. The first lady went to a Tamarin beauty salon for a makeover consisting of trendy make up, manicure, a pedicure & an extremely vivacious hair style. To prove the depth of her unfettered love for him, she also dropped by Body and Soul to buy several slinky sexy garments so that she could look her irresistible lynxian best for her suitor, a gesture which impressed the bachelor so much that mini-tremors erupted in his groin region. The second lady opted to buy her man a plethora of gifts – golf clubs, computer accessories & tasteful expensive clothes. She told him that she had bought all these goodies because she loved him. Although the bachelor was computer illiterate, he was still touched by her selflessness although no visible movements could be detected below the waistline. The third lady invested the money in shares of an emerging hi-tech firm which soon afterwards announced that they had signed a multi million dollar deal to supply the Apple Corporation with key iCloud-friendly applications. The stock price skyrocketed & the lady sold her equity holding bagging windfall profits of 725% in the process. She returned the Rp 50,000 to the bachelor & re-invested the remainder in a high interest yielding savings account. Of course, she told the bachelor that she had wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much. The bachelor was again impressed & retired to the privacy of his own thoughts to duly evaluate the 3 marital candidates. He thought long & hard about what the ladies had done with the money; he lay awake all night wrestling with his thoughts until eventually at first light the decision dawned on him....he would marry the one with biggest boobs! Undeniably, a mammorable story, which may just have been somewhat autobiographical except that it is likely that 2 of the potential brides would have been, at best, imaginary girlfriends or, at worst, exceedingly desperate masculine looking Eastern European nubiles, most probably a couple of Czechoslovakian hammer throwers.
The R.A.(who incidentally was dressed in a hideously appointed pair of surfing shorts that would have made the absent “King of the Fashion Victims” Harold green with envy), then gave Down Downs to
1)Marie Andre – the glamorous grandmother of Noah on account of the latter’s media stardom by featuring on MCB advertorials. I suspect that an element of nepotism has been at work since the Noah’s mother, Veronique, is a leading mover & shaker of the bank’s marketing activities. The proxyee showed her patent dislike for Phoenix by pouring almost the entire contents of the tankard down the back of the poor R.A. (who must have wished he did not single her out for attention)

2)Girish – for eventually passing his driving test after many failed attempts. The venerable Hash Horn will no longer walk miles to the Hash site each alternate Sunday now that he boasts a mode of transport to reflect third millennium expectations. It seems that this more sedentary activity has already led to the Hash Horn adding extra unwanted pounds to his body weight because when he planted his ample expanding rear end on one of the wooden benches, the frame broke with alarming ease. That same bench had earlier bore the combined kilograms of Leslie & Alan without the merest flinch.

3)Rosine – for displaying the courage to return to the Hash but as she flatly refused to drink beer, the R.A. preferred to drink it himself rather than have to endure another froth broth over his back.

4)Vincent – for wearing odd coloured socks (one blue & one black) which he had carefully smuggled into his back pocket. The Scribe is ashamed to report that even this apparent Alpha male bejeweled in menacing tattoos had the affront to throw his beer away rather than drink it like the macho man that his image seems to portray – somewhere there is a female gene waiting to break free

5)Captain Nimmo & Alain Robert for doing what they normally do by walking the entire trail. Alain brandished a large wet deposit on the front of his shorts & had obviously forgot to put on his incontinence pants before setting off in the morning.

Barely 3 months into his Presidency & our GM is becoming a popular Icon among an eclectic section of the Hash faithful so much so that he seems to be commanding the hushed reverence usually accorded to Saints who perform miracles, statues that leak milk & shrouds with stains. These devout disciples took the liberty of passing around a collection plate to buy him a new Hash branded shorts to replace the pair which had faded with the passing of time & which looked to be in need of summary incineration. Although the restless hoard begged him to change his apparel in their presence, he was too diffident to oblige probably not wishing his manhood to be the subject of unbridled laughter.
Dodocop then thrust himself forward in the manner of a boxing MC to declare the contenders for the deserved recipient of the Cow Bell. His first nomination was Lord Grihault who got lost on his own directions that he had posted on the website & had to phone the Dodocop himself for rescue. The Scribe rather suspects that the detour was craftily pre-meditated by the TV celebrity so that he could have his majestic Dodo privately examined in the comfort of the back seat of his TIIDA. Dodocop’s second nomination was Rosine for simply having the courage to return to the Hash but the award finally went to Matthieu for his athletic cerf-like front running exploits, hoping that the bell would slow him down the next time.

THOUGHT FOR THE FORTNIGHT

if you buy a chair for your mother-in-law you must first ensure that you will be allowed to plug it in.

THE LAST WORD

In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. Today’s victim in the hot seat – the multi-award winning athlete & renowned polyglot, that fair damsel commonly known as MADAME KAY FARROW –

1) Who was your childhood hero?
Emma Peel of the Avengers. (mine too but probably for different reasons)

2) What was your earliest childhood memory?
Somebody being sick on my friend’s head in assembly at primary school.

3) What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
Producing my two amazing children, Richard and Alison.(Amazing that they emerged in human form)

4) Who is your favourite actor & favourite actress?
Dame Maggie Smith and Rowan Atkinson.

5) When was the last time you got into a fight?
Ladies don’t get into fights!!!!! ( You should visit the Torrey area in Aberdeen….)

6) Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
Smoking is a disgusting habit. Ladies don’t smoke or take drugs!!!!!! (You should visit the Torrey area in Aberdeen….) (However I do have an addiction to chocolate.

7) Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
John Cabrelli to ask him why he chose such dull questions and Leslie Nimmo to find out why he didn’t reply causing me to be interrogated instead. (It is like a stake through the Scribe’s heart to suddenly have to come to terms with the fact that he is dull)

8) When was the last time you went to church?
I had a look round St Gabriel’s on the Hash trip to Rodrigues last year when we stopped there for lunch.

9) Who is your favourite musician/s?
I like a wide range of music but don’t have any favourite musicians. I’m listening to Neil Young a lot at the minute. (Hopefully not his unvintage 80’s output when he went experimenting with synthesisers & vocoders, eventually going completely off the rails by doing a rockabilly album)

10) What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Struggle to think of what to do. (Not even kiss her husband goodbye?!!!)

THE (WOUNDED) SCRIBE