Mauritius Hash House Harriers

VENUE: Bras d'Eau

HARES: Girish

A WILDERNESS WONDERLAND

Well, star date two thousand and twelve has finally made itself known to the entire inhabitants of this mercurial mortal coil & we seem to be darting through the third century like Usain Bolt darts through his 100 metre sprints. It is pertinent to pause for breath and dispel the overindulgences of the festive season by solemnly reflecting on the traditional New Year's resolutions of self improvement pledges that invariably go astray soon after.
A leading Happiness Guru (yes you read it right) was recently quoted in a UK-based national newspaper as saying that New Years resolutions are typically seen as hard work & difficult to maintain.; although they are good for us, they are not much fun and do not necessarily make us happy, particularly if these resolutions deal with dieting & keeping fit.
As an alternative, this eminent psyochbabbler recommended the following 10 resolutions for a happier 2012 -

1. Let you family & friends know how much they mean to you (what if your family is estranged or you are anti-social)
2. Find ways to make exercise fun & sociable (perhaps have a lustworthy extramarital affair with the next door neighbor)
3. Do extra acts of kindness to help others (Some
4. Get outside &enjoy the natural world (I am sure that there are many starving or impoverished African tribesmember who is unable to appreciate their natural world to the fullest)
5. Spend your time getting to know your neighbours (you could kill two birds with one stone by amalgamating this advice with No.2 above)
6. Change something that been making you or others unhappy (what happens if something that makes you happy is the very thing that makes others unhappy & vice versa)
7. Support a good cause you feel passionate about (this advice may not be advisable to individuals with unhealthy pathological pursuits e.g. stalkers, serial killers, neo-nazi sympathists)
8. Try something new that is outside your comfort zone. (I cannot even define my comfort zone let alone stray beyond it)
9. Take time each day to be mindful & notice how you're feeling. (how can this possibly help if when you are mindful you realize that you feel unhappy)
10. Write down three good things that happen each day. (if you are following the preceding 9 points with religious fervour, you should be really be aiming to write down 9 good things that happen to you each day; in fact, perhaps the 3 good things is a comfort zone beyond which you should stray)

So there you go folks - the secret to happiness. I seriously suspect that this guru is probably a failed psychotherapist who still lives with his mother & stays in a basement room all day wearing a balaclava, thumbing through his vast collection of literature to dredge up the next self-help fad. It is indeed a mystery how these alleged lifestyle experts manage to make a living out of their vocation; there surely cannot so many disenfranchised, vulnerable individuals trapped in the vortex of despair who are willing to seek the help of these specialist coaches; I guess that if these megalomaniacal insincere TV evangelists are able to become impossibly wealthy on the back of lost souls seeking solace in the truth of faith, anything is possible.

For the first adventure of 2012, a vibrant number of ardent Hashers shook off the post Xmas blues & convened at a fairly congested car park in the vicinity of Bras D'Eau along with a platoon of mosquitos which forced many of the faithful to rub/spray mosquito repellant on their exposed parts.
The trail was set by the mysterious woodland werewolf the Hash Horn, Girish who may have been up all night rummaging the forest and setting the trail with solitary zeal. He may also have set the trail minus torchlamp judging by his twin set of heavily bandaged knees which are likely to have been scratched & torn by excessive crawling around in the foliage. However, the midnight rambling certainly paid off as we were suitably treated to an excellent course which spanned varied terrain.
The final section involved a deft, tricky passage over volcanic rocks which slowed down the front running bastards & allowed the back markers to catch up with the head of the peloton.

At the circle, the GM awarded a down down to Girish for a trail that heralded an excellent start to 2012 & also invited a family of first timers to introduce themselves to the mob -

Gregoire - from Beau Bassin & is Edwin's brother
Marilyne - wife of the above
Audrey - daughter of the above
Letitia - another daughter of the above
Divia -a niece of the above

With no second timers in attendance it was left for the GM to perform his punishment from the green plastic urination mug which he did with some style & with little regard to the bacteria-rich algae that had made a home on the bottom of the drinking vessel.
The GM also welcomed back lapsed brethren, the duet of Tim & Marie Cartwright who were last spotted at the 2010 Red Dress festivities when the former wore a daring red micro mini skirt with matching skin tight underwear that left nothing to the imagination.

And then an expectant buzz filled the air as the crowd triumphantly welcomed back (well at least the Scribe did) the Religious & Sex Advisor who confidently took to the podium like a delirious peacock on an ego trip, happy to deliver his wisdom after a long & unwarranted absence.

He related the cautionary tale of a young couple with an adorable child who visited their local priest about baptism formalities. However, the priest was very aware that they had not attended church for over a year & had heard on the grapevine that they were now spending the Sabbath regaling in the secular virtues of the Hash House Harriers.
The cleric then told Ryan & Delinda that to prove their sincerity towards their faith, they had to perform an act of penance namely to abstain from making love for a period of 30 days.
The couple agreed to the sacrifice with Ryan being especially relieved at this time out so that he could devote the rest period to prepare a CD of indie favourites in an unplayable MP3 format for his unrequited soul mate, the Scribe.
After the abstention period elapsed, Ryan went to see the priest in his private vestibule. "How did it go, my son?" the priest asked in a solemn but mildly authoritative voice. "Well, Father for 29 days it was fine because my wife went to South Africa to see her family & I stayed here in Mauritius hacking into the VIPSU security systems. However, after my wife's return on the 30th day, she was stooping over the freezer in a mini skirt & I simply could not resist the temptation of the devil that surged inside of me" Ryan replied sheepishly.
The priest was rather taken aback by the unexpected confession "Oh holy father in heaven" he exclaimed with exasperation, "Regardless of your admirable honesty, I just cannot allow you back into church" Ryan looked askance at the priest & with expression of a guilty schoolboy replied candidly "If you think that is bad, Father, we are no longer allowed back into Shoprite either".

There were sinners aplenty on this glorious Sunday & the R.A. wasted little time in issuing punishments to the following culprits-

1. Edwin - for the wildly lame excuse of being truant from the Red Dress hash on account of not wanting to wear red. He would rather have worn something slinky in Evertonian blue to show allegiance to his ailing, failing Goodison favourites.
2. Dave Hughes for forgetting bring the R.A's DVD's which has been in his possession for too long a time. Maybe, just maybe he has melted them down to make an unusual curio for his wife's Xmas gift.
3. Hari - for having the audacity to wear a religious T-shirt proclaiming that he was the benediction. Hari, who may have been posing as the Young Pretender to religious office, is the man who the "dic" into benediction.

Our trailmaster, Ryan, produced a profoundly Herculean performance by staying within touching distance of the front running megabores with the dreaded bell garlanded around his neck. He was nevertheless glad to shed the clanger to Edwige for her own Herculean effort of running the Hash for the first time in her history - one wonders whether she will have the will to run with the bell swathed around her person.

LONG LIVE THE KING

For those ardent fans in denial, Elvis did not really shuffle off this earth preferring to believe that he faked his own death to free himself from the unbearable pressures of fame. Over the years the King of Rock 'n' Roll has reportedly been sighted -

1. At the Brandenberg Gate,Berlin with wife Priscilla
2. Working at Betty's Hair Hut,Rock Springs, Wyoming
3. Eating a whaleburger in a restaurant somewhere in Northern Canada
4. Fishing naked off Clacton Pier, Essex
5. Buying frozen peas & fish fingers at the Piggly Wiggly Grocery Store, Fort Arthur, Texas
6. Driving a builder's van in Ipswich
7. Fighting off muggers Batman-style in Salem, Oregon
8. Living under a bridge in Nottingham
9. Buying toilet plungers in branch of Home depot somewhere in California
10. Working as a biology teacher in Lancaster.

THE LAST WORD

In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. It is with regret that the Scribe has to mention that the chosen subjects, Mr & Mrs. Cybermaster, Lord & Lady Russell chose not to indulge in this puerile & irrelevant misadventure, citing that they had no interesting answers to these futile questions. The Scribe did have a hunch that they were peerless exponents of tedium but frankly did not realize the extent of this malaise.

Not to worry though, the Scribe shook off his bitter disappointment, unlocked his initiative cabinet & got on the speed dial to his famous connections in the music industry to help him out in his hour of need. SO welcome to a very special Last Word with….drum roll…clashing of symbols….CHRIS MARTIN, husband of the luscious Gwyneth Paltrow & lead singer of stadia rock monoliths COLDPLAY

1. Happy New Year, Chris & send my regards to Mrs Martin & baby Apple
   Thank you, Scribe. And a Happy New Year to you too. I am really thrilled to be appearing in your noble publication. I hope that I am more interesting than the guys who let you down.
2. Without a doubt, Chris. What were you doing 25 years ago?
   Probably about to go to school in India. My father had landed a prestigious gig with missionaries in a rural community in Uttar Pradesh as a Meher Baba devotee. It was his life's desire to spread the word of tolerance & brotherhood to whoever wanted to listen.
3. What music were you listening to back then ?
   Michael Jackson had a massive influence in the 80's when he was at the peak of his creative powers. I think that the Thriller album stands the test of time - but it was tragic that his later life became a grotesque media burlesque that sadly came toy overshadowed his music. I was also listening to Iron Maiden but my mum believed that their music was evil. I just said "Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that God doesn't like it".
4. Ever met a hero who has disappointed you?
   Never. And I've met them all. The Beatles except Lennon, The Rolling Stones, Morrisey, Neil Young. If I was overawed by anyone it has to be Dylan -he's the Jedi master of folk poetry & beyond.
5. What is your favourite album of the last 25 years?
   Nirvana's Nevermind. It was the album that changed the course of popular music in the early 90's & revived/reinvented the classic guitar band format. Anybody with axe hero desires will always make sure that they flex their fingers to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" just as in the 70's it was the introductory bars to Deep Purple's "Smoke On the Water" that was standard copyist fodder.
6. Do you miss the UK when you are away on tour?
   I miss the family but sometimes it feels like I am watching a disaster movie when the news from home comes on TV. The Euro is dying, everyone's getting their cellphone hacked into, The EEC is heading towards bankruptcy, Amy Winehouse checks out - I mean what a waste of life & talent; she was a unique singer who influenced her contemporaries; I mean no Amy, no Adele. Back to Black is such a musical tour de force.
7. Which song makes you cry?
   Nessun Dorma by Pavarotti. Every time I hear it, goose bumps ripple up the back of my head. Nessun Dorma means No-one Shall Sleep but he is sleeping soundly in eternity. Big man, big voice. The first & only credible Opera Pop Star - Domingo & Carrera were just passengers who slipped on the gravy train. Oh and there's Johnny Cash's sublime version of Hurt - you can sense the tremulous torture in his voice. Awesome.
8. What is the one acknowledged classic that does little or nothing for you?
   OK Computer by Radiohead. The music press talk about how they kept pushing things forward but they went about experimenting with noise & creating abrasive soundscapes that submerged melody & made their music difficult to understand.
9. What lyric do you wish you had written?
   I've been listening to the Vaccines debut album & I really like the lyric "I don't mind taking it slow, I'm perfectly aware of what I don't know" from the song Under My Thumb. It is reassuring to know that the new keepers of the flame are able to dig up an oxymoron to define their songwriting credibility. Their album has a definite modern retro feel (another oxymoron, Chris) with elements of Phil Spector 60's production values embellishing youthful bravado vocalisation.
10. Lady Gaga?
    You know what? She's all façade with those meat suits, demonstrative head dresses & unconventional masks. She looks like an androgynous cross between Zorro & the Lone Ranger. She thrives on controversy & she has got the publicity side nailed. I know that she is held up as the voice of a generation but her stuff is at best Madonna-Lite & at worst art pop wallpaper. Madonna was Hardcore, Gaga is Coreless. 20 years from now, will we be listening to Lady Gaga? Nah!
11. Which legend would you most like to see live?
    David Bowie without a doubt - the ultimate performer, showman & musical chameleon. He effortlessly went through musical style changes in the 70's from his Ziggy days through to his drug 'n' milk Berlin period & culminating in his 1980 Scary Minsters & Super Creeps album. A varied canon that rarely disappointed & frequently inspired. I even have a German version of Heroes (Helden) on green vinyl - must be worth a bit now as a collector's item.
12. Thanks, Chris. You are a diamond bloke.
    No worries Scribe; glad I could be of assistance. And a Happy New Year to all Mauritius Hashers

THE SCRIBE

Mauritius Hash House Harriers. We run (walk) every second Sunday at 10 a.m.
Webmaster: (position vacant).