Mauritius Hash Trash 618

01-04-2012 Mahébourg Gilbert BYO 618

VENUE: Gnd. Bel Air, Maheburg

HARES: Dodo Cop

HASH 618 – THERE IS NO FOOL LIKE AN APRIL FOOL

Following the incessant dark foreboding deluge of the previous week, the brightness of the sun was a welcome relief on Hash Sunday where the brave & bewildered joined forces at an obscure sugar cane outpost just outside the sleepy village of Grand Bel Air And although it may have been April Fools’s day, the strategic geographical distribution of the Hash signs would have proved difficult to fool even the most optically challenged braille-friendly Hasher from finding their way to the On On.
The Scribe arrive early to find a macabre ghostly scene not unlike the Marie Celeste with an abandoned SUV laden with drinks, the words On On etched with flour on the ground but no visible trace of human or inhuman presence. The only evident sound was the sophorific lilt of the wind whispering through the trees & the gentle gurgling of a nearby babbling brook. On reflecting on the remoteness of the location, the Scribe deduced that this must have been a well known (only to him) secret rendezvous for Dodocop’s romantic trysts in the halcyon days of his turbocharged, testosteroned youth. This sentiment was emphasized by the sheer craftsmanship of the trail which was in equal measures spectacular & unpredictable; it was almost like getting lost in the wonderment of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory or in the thrall of some other childhood fantasy adventure. The trail meandered through two villages, across streams & through the improbable paths within the canefields; there were checkbacks, checkpoints and a plethora of boxes which conspired to keep the pack together & ensured that the bolt of lightning (a.k.a. Tim Cartwright) did not condemn his pursuers to sniffing an endless slither of electrical vapour. The trail even took us to the rare heritage sight of a reservoir full of water duly marked as a historical view point. Dodocop should have rightly been proud of his achievement particularly as he did the trail singlehandedly & without the aid of digital imagery available on Google Earth. The GM rewarded Dodocop for his masterclass by anointing him with a deserved pint of foaming ale.
Meanwhile back at the circle, in a repetition of the previous Hash at Trou Aux Biches there was another infectious outbreak of first timers as follows –
1)George – hailing from the Quebecois city of Montreal & was apparently brought here by a sudden gust of wind.
2)Pierre – a reticent mystery man who was reluctant to divulge any meaningful information about himself
3)Christophe – who brought along by The Cartwrights.
4)Claire – who was teleported from the UK via the Starship Enterprise on its intergalactic journey through outer space.
5)Steve Davies – an inhabitee of the New Forest down Southampton way in the UK ( I presume he lives in a permanent dwelling & not in a makeshift tree house made of beech) & a genetic brother to the right honourable Sir Brian Davies.
5)Ryan – son of Steve & nephew of Brian, he was shipped here by DHL. A fanatic of the Red Devils, he put in a spirited performance under unfavourable climatic conditions by keeping pace with the front runners until the final stretch for home. The 18 year old is an avid footballer, his preferred position being in central defence.
6)Kimberley – daughter of Steve & niece of Brian, she has been in Mauritius for several weeks courtesy of her uncle’s magnanimity. The previous week, the spritely 20 year old valiantly challenged the Scribe to a duel to the death at the Hash but the young pretender only had the energy to walk on the day. Maybe next time….
7)Ellie – – an native of Ireland (whether North or South is not known) she was blatantly conspicuous by the shoulder bag that she carried around the trail. Perhaps she was protecting the family jewels.
8)Hannalie – hailing from Johannesburg, she has been in Mauritius for three years (only now she knows about the Hash!!)
9)Elliot – grandchild of our esteemed shortcutter, Lord Grihault he was proudly wearing a T-shirt with humanized baked bean figures who seemed to want to be Mr. Men.
10)Owen – another grandchild of Lord Grihault, he brought the house down when he informed the circle that his grandfather was “frustrated” during the car journey to the Hash. The circle did take an extended intermission to pull itself together but this retort is another one of those unforgettable Hash moments & underlines the adage that you should never work with children or animals
11)Louise – mother of the above duo & the daughter-in-law of Lord Grihault (regrettably you can choose your friends but you cannot chose your relations) & who herself looked in fine athletic condition. Like her father-in-law, she enjoys indulging herself in thespian activities the only difference being that she is a talented actress with many prominent broadcasting credits. At the same time, she does not need to sink to the bottom of the creative barrel by personifying geometrical symbols & shapes (Mrs Trapezium & Mr. Parallelogram indeed)
12Ravi – who was brought here by the Ice Man himself, Gaetan who each week is looking more like a born again Hippy Jesus Freak with his baubles, bangles, beads & crucifixes. Soon he will be organizing a Woodstock revival festival in Grand Gaube.

In a surprise move earlier in the week, our incumbent R.A. had decided to temporarily give his robes of office to last year’s deciduous model, Captain Nemo, to act as deputy primate for the day on account of an undisclosed important prior engagement. Initial unconfirmed reports suggested that Father Steve had been invited to become officially ordained as brother in the local chapter of the KKK (Klueless Klucking Klan) but the engagement was cancelled at the last minute because of a costume malfunction (believed to be that the dressmaker forgot to cut out the eyeholes in the mask) So the stand-in stand out R.A prowled the circle in ever decreasing circles like a praying mantis on vitamin B12 supplements and he narrated a cautionary tale of a unknown Hashperson who was dealing with the taboo after-life form called mortality. This hasher was walking along the road with his pet Antiquarian buffalo when he suddenly realized that he was dead; he even remembered dying and also remembered that the Antiquarian buffalo had been dead for years. They soon reached a white marble wall that led to a tall crystal arch that shimmered in the sunlight; and as he walked closer, he came to an ornate gate made of the finest shards of mother of pearl with a security guard seated in a gold filigree cabin. He was dressed in a harlequin’s costume with fancy midnight blue epaulettes.
“Where are we”? asked the Hasher in a gentle polite voice
“This is heaven” replied the harlequin.
“Wow, this is a fine establishment, would you happen to have some water”? continued the Hasher.
“Of course , Come in Sir. I’ll have some Ice Water brought for you” said the Harlequin
“Can my friend” gesturing to the Antiquarian buffalo, ” come in too?” asked the Hasher
“I’m sorry, Sir, we don’t allow members of the bovidae family to enter these hallowed spaces”.
The Hasher paused for thought, turned around & continued his journey without saying a word. After another long trek he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that was open. He spied a an elderly man with swarthy leathery pock-marked skin dressed in a New York Yankees baseball outfit. He was leaning against a sycamore tree and reading the best selling novel, Girl with The Dragon Tattoo.
“Excuse me” called the Hasher, “Do you have any water?”
“Yeah sure, there’s a pump over there come on in” said the man in a tough Bronx accent
“What about my friend here”? the Hasher gestured to the Antiquarian buffalo
“There’s a trough in the corner there” the man pointed
They went through the gate & helped themselves to the water. When they had quenched their thirst, they went back to the man and the Hasher asked,
“What do you call this place?”
“This is Heaven” he answered
“Well that’s confusing” the Hasher noted “The man down the road said that that was Heaven too”.
“Oh, the place with the crystal arch & pearly gates. Nope that’s Hell”
“Doesn’t it make you mad that they use your name like that?”
No, not at all, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best bovidae friends behind”
The R.A. then meted out merited punishment to the following misbehaving misguided miscreants –
1)Ellie – well anybody that takes her shopping bag for walk is just asking for trouble. She even nipped into a local shop en route to stock up on groceries.
2)Fran – who had to take the down down on behalf of the absent Gilbert who was blamed for the R.A falling into a swamp & getting his Primark khakis caked in mud. And everyone had actually thought he had had an involuntary sphincter movement.
3)Mary – who had brought Hannelie to the Hash & had not informed her that it was a capital offence to wear new shoes. The Scribe thought that the post-Hash floral maternity dress was enough of a sin worthy of condemnation.
4)Lord Grihauit – for being the epitome of a grumpy grandfather to his grandchildren (“Now children don’t jump around in the back while I’m driving, you don’t want to cause me to have an accident do you. Sit down, keep quiet & read Grandad’s gripping historical tome on the Solitaire”)
The cowbell made a welcome re-appearance with Claude noticeably unaccompanied by his trailer trash Barbie doll which may indeed signal that loves bright flame had finally extinguished into the sombre sobriety of nothingness. But he can take comfort that there are plenty more dolls in Mattel’s plastic factory (inflatable or otherwise).

STOP PRESS – Reuters News Agency released an unconfirmed statement that Lord & Lady Russell were involved in a automotive accident as they left the Hash. It is alleged that Lord Russell took a wrong turning down a narrow sugar cane track that eventually became a path descending at 45 degrees to a perimeter fence. Although Lady Russell cautioned to her husband that it would be prudent & wise to reverse back up the track, Lord Russell reassured her of the trademark durable attributes of a 4 x 4. The Guardian arrived to notice that Russell vehicle stranded & phoned the police who came in numbers (as they would when facing a serial killer). Lord Russell contacted a 24/7 insurance breakdown number who eventually came but were unable to help. The police officers, assisted by numerous by-standers, then pulled the perimeter fence down and allowed the famous 4 x 4 to drive across to safety! It may have been sometime around dusk before the happy(ish) couple were able to enjoy their invigorating late afternoon cup of Milo. Latest reports claim that they are still in a state of marital union while eye witness accounts that Lady Russell was spotted sticking dresspins into an effigy of her husband appear to have been greatly exaggerated.

THE LAST WORD
In which The Scribe asks a Hash member a series of questions that attempts to uncover a sequence of useless personal facts. In this week’s edition, the valiant Scribe sought the services of a true aristocrat in the biochemistry industry and fully decorated member of the Phd club. She was once blessed with being the Miss February pin-up in the Glaxo Smithkline’s 2010 beach bitch calendar & has refused repeated offers from the House of Alexander McQueen to become their signature model. So grab a Cerveza, stick a lime down its throat, flick open a tube of Pringles Originals & be entertained by our own special calendar girl who makes Liz Hurley look like a street urchin in a Dickensian novel. This is the here and now and here now is the woman who put the rant into vibrant, the one and only incomparable Mary Cockburn (pronounced Co-burn in case you didn’t know)

1) Who was your childhood hero?
My dad for all the wisdom & inspiration that he gave me through the years. He is just champion like a latter day Roy Rogers
2) What was your earliest childhood memory?
Getting run over by a red toy car in a nursery on the eve of my 24th birthday. I still have that scar over my eye to remind me of that traumatic event.
3) What do you consider to be your greatest personal achievement?
Being nominated for an incentive trip of a lifetime to South Africa. (And it was approved) I did a helicopter trip over table mountain, went to Robben Island and had champagne lunches. But it was a shame that I never got to meet Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
4) Who is your favourite actor & favourite actress?
No real favourites but James Cordon & Jack Black & Rene Zellwegger
5) When was the last time you got into a fight?
In university with an overzealous freshman who tried to steal my Sesame Street folder. I defended my property with heroic endeavor by sticking my pencil in his eyes & piercing one of his internal organs with the sharp end of my compass. Grrrl Power!!!!
6) Have you ever smoked dope or taken drugs?
Of course – for medicinal purposes only to help me through my exams. I am not that sort of woman that would wantonly use hallucinogenics for recreational use. What sort of a girl do you think I am? However, I have been tempted to try out homologous doping just for kicks
7) Name 2 people that you would like to have a conversation with (& why)?
My gran – she had a larger than life character with an infectious sense of humour. And my friend Michael who was called to heaven far too soon just to catch up on his celestial activities.
8) When was the last time you went to church?
On Christmas Day with the family to sing rousing hymnal anthems savoring the savior.
9) Who is your favourite musician/s?
Prodigy – Keith Flint is just a legend, one of my life’s inspiration and role model.
10) What would be the last thing you do if you thought the world was ending?
Have a great big party & make sure that malodorous elfin the Scribe doesn’t turn up to interview me for my last requests.

Th..Th..Th..Th..That’s All Folks!

THE SCRIBE